I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Randomize
