I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
