I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
