is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize