Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
