I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
