seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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