I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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