I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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