There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
