OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
