There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize