Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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