Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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