Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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