omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
