how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize