so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
