opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ketchup is God's man juice
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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