just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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