Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
