70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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