hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
