When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
