we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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