I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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