2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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