my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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