im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
