they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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