Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will pee on everything he values.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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