dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
