youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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