somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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