the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
