Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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