Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
