Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
