Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize