i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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