Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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