Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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