dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
