Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
