Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
