Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
