Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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