My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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