shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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