dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
