The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
