Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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