I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
