ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he thought i was a dude.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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