she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she peed on how many people?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
